a goldilocks chart of male habits, quirks, and attributes pt. 1

	DOUCHEY, ANNOYING	CREEPY, TOUCHY, IDIODIC	JUST RIGHT
YOUR HAIR	Weird facial hair patterns. If you look like you have crop circles on your chin, then the only thing you can hope to attract is an alien.	Overuse of gel. Unless you are a member of N’Sync circa 1998, no one will ever find this attractive.	Well-kept, shampooed hair that smells nice. Lather, rinse, repeat. That’s all it should take.
MY HAIR	Pulling it whilst hooking up. The only memory I have of hair pulling relates to not sharing my Ken doll with my sister, and I don’t want to think about either of those things when getting down with someone.	Stroking it. If you want a dog, get a dog, but please do not pretend that I am a longhaired corgi. All that does is make me think you’ll kill me in my sleep.	Brushing my hair out of my eyes. I don’t know why I think this is so attractive. It feels gentle and caring, and makes me think you just want an unobstructed view of my beautiful face.
ORDERING FOOD	Ordering for me. I love eating, and I love choosing foods to try. You THOUGHT I wanted a salad? Nope, I wanted a cheeseburger, you asshole. Are you calling me fat?	Being completely ignorant. I once went on a date with a guy who had trouble ordering at Starbucks because “it was too fancy.” He ended up ordering a frappe because it sounded like a milkshake. Don’t be this guy.	Being a connoisseur without being a dick about it. I love when guys ask what kinds of beer I like and then suggest something I haven’t had before but might like to try. In my opinion, this is up there in classiness with wearing a pea coat and knowing cool things at museums.
MEETING YOUR FRIENDS	Not introducing me at all, as if I am not there or as if everyone in the room already knows me. Hi, I’m Casper the friendly disposable hookup.	Make weird overages of ownership, like physically clingy to me during conversations with others. In my mind, this conjures a red flag for a Gollum/ring type of possessiveness.	A quick, “Hey guys, this is X. X, this is Joe, Steve, Tom, etc.” will suffice. Why is that so hard?
RELATIONSHIP STATUS	Assuming. Not every girl wants to be your girlfriend, Casanova. I probably don’t want to be your girlfriend, so you should clarify. Boys and buses, kiddo.	Jumping the gun. Putting me in your profile picture before we’re actually together. Inviting me on double dates with long-term couples when I’ve known you for like three days. Ahh.	Handle this with a mature conversation. Say it with me. Mature. Conversation.
WHAT YOU SAY IN BED	Words like slut and whore will get you slapped, clawed, or excessively bitten, and not in the fun way.	Love. Do not bring up love in bed if we haven’t discussed love when we’re both wearing clothes.	My name. What you like. What you don’t like, but in a polite way. The occasional dirty but respectful remark. That is a whole list to which you can refer in the future.
GIFT GIVING	An IOU. It is literally the same as giving me an index card that says, “I only just barely care enough to write a few words on this card so here, have this, and pretend it will eventually turn into something better.”	An overly extravagant gift when we’ve been dating for ten minutes. Thanks for the diamonds, I hope you like your new t-shirt with a penguin ironically wearing sunglasses.	Something thoughtful, but small. The best gift a guy ever gave me was a pair of earrings that exactly matched one I lost the night we met. They cost him approximately seven dollars plus shipping, and I still love them dearly.