Wednesday, January 30, 2013

best friend is not a title, danny. its a tier.

In last night’s episode, we saw Mindy realize that the creepy midwife she was sleeping with is an asshole. He refuses to commit to any formal type of relationship and is apparently choosing to date a tiny Asian refugee who doesn’t speak English yet enjoys 3D children’s movies over her. Like, the guy is a midwife. If only she’d run the non-delusional potential murderer test on him sooner, she would have figured he was a no-go like three episodes ago. (Sidenote: I actually go to a midwife instead of a gynecologist, but she’s a really nice lesbian who talks to me about things like “respecting my cervix.” Brandon is a creepy Voldemort-y guy with feathered hair and hot stone treatments and a bathtub in his office.) But anyway, we discussed him and decided that he is an amalgamation of everything we hate about the guys we’ve hooked up with but not actually dated. Like, there’s something wrong with him and you know you don’t want him around permanently, but for right now he’s okay. The problem with guys like this is that they’re easy to get attached to because they’re convenient. Butch friend Maggie (holla atcha name, but do you have to be a gym teacher?) said it best in her response to Mindy’s clingy bitching. “Why? Because he worked upstairs from you? Because he had a bad personality?” That’s the thing about this kind of guy. You start to want him around because you like the attention and you’re bored and you want to prove he can’t do better than you, but when it boils down to it, there’s nothing you can pinpoint actively liking about him. Mindy knows this, too, it just takes a little help to realize at times. If you recall, this was her natural reaction last week when she realized Brandon didn't like snacks. You don't make this face if the guy is a keeper.

I was hanging out with a guy right before I went to college, we’ll call him Ted, and he was fine. That’s how I’d describe him. Fine. Not particularly boring or awful, but not great either.  I didn’t actually realize that he was one of these disposable types of guys until one night when I asked him to come with me to a party at my friend’s house and he was disgustingly non-committal.

Me: Why?
Ted: Because I hate sleeping on floors.
Me: What? Ok, we’ll claim a couch.
Ted: Eh.
Me: Ted, do you just not want to go to this party?
Ted: I just don’t want to spend the night with a bunch of people I don’t know.

That was, TSwift style, The Moment I Knew. A guy who is worth more time than a haircut will want to meet your friends. Even if your friends are literally a bunch of banshees and she-goyles, he will willingly spend time with them and probably will even pretend to like them if he likes you. Ted did not fall into this part of the romantic ven diagram and, sorry Minds, neither does Brandon.

Anyway, back to the show. We also saw her start to date BJ Novak and his girlfriend, I mean best friend, I mean stalker. How did Lucy know what restaurant they were going to? I think that is significantly more Swimfan than When Harry Met Sally, but I digress. A guy with a girl-best-friend is not necessarily a bad thing, and actually is sometimes a good thing because that means other females are willing to tolerate his presence. But if the friend is significantly hotter than you and sitting on his lap, that bitch is gonna win.

And even though (as previously stated like a hundred times) we love Mindy, she did get a few things wrong in this episode.
(1) Yes, girls do care about abs.
(2) A houndstooth dress with a white button-up? You looked like a semi-stylish Indian puritan.
(3) You should have ignored your friend and thrown the nachos.
(4) This was actually Butch Maggie who said this, but men should not be the reason you get out of bed in the morning. You know why I get out of bed in the morning? Bitterness and toaster strudels.


Tuesday, January 29, 2013

lessons we've learned about dating. and life. but mostly dating.

1) One flaw = leverage. Many flaws = run.

2) It's generally a good idea to fully assess a guy's potential to become a murderer in the next five-ten years. This sounds obvious, but it is incredibly easy to develop blinders to what you would otherwise see as charming qualities. Like if he is a javelin thrower. Or if he has more hair on his chin than on his head. Just think about these things.

3) One act of kindness does not make a guy NOT an asshole. Even if its something really cute, like showing up at a performance or a gallery opening or your little sister's dance recital or something. Maybe he is a nice guy, but never underestimate the lengths a guy will go to in order to get laid.

4) Never trust guys who don't like red meat. Or chocolate. Or snacks, which is a lesson we learned from our good friend Mindy (Kaling, obviously.)

5) How a guy dresses really does say things about him as a person. This does not mean that a guy must be borderline metrosexual, but hygiene and a general sense of taste goes a long way. Red flags to watch out for: -Flannel as outerwear.
-What could easily be mistaken as women's pants or shoes.
-Headbands in general.
-Man leggings. Apparently this is a thing now, and unless you're in a performance of Romeo and Juliet this has never been and will never be okay. (Meggings?)
-Muscle tees if there is no muscle to be displayed.
-Hoods indoors. (Maggie notes: This is a personal pet peeve. Unless it is suddenly raining from the roof of your classroom or you are actually a fugitive, behave like an adult.)
-Backpacks in the professional world. Similarly, sneakers in the professional world. ("Are you in a fraternity? Are you Steve Jobs? Hold on a second, are you the billionaire owner of Apple Computers? Well, in that case, you have no right to wear New Balance sneakers. Ever." -Ryan Gosling, Crazy Stupid Love)

6) If you're in limbo with someone relationship-wise, you'll probably be in limbo until one of you gets married or dies.

Addendum to this gif: A person either has to be (a) perfect or (b) Ryan Gosling to be exactly what you need.

Mandy + Maggie

non-delusional girl talk tuesday night: our first post

“Nothing gives you confidence like being a member of a small, weirdly specific, hard-to-find demographic.” 
― Mindy KalingIs Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?

Being a non-delusional girl in college / in your early twenties is like being a penguin in the Sahara. It's awkward, you're always a little too dressed up, and you're just generally pretty uncomfortable most of the time.

Our non-delusion came to be over Tuesday lunches. We realized, while discussing the social networking activities of one of our particularly delusional acquaintances that we were about to be the leaders of a revolution. This is the second Feminine Mystique, one might say.

So welcome, reader, to the first post of our Bro Bible for Girls Who Are Better Than Bros Who Need Bibles.

Mandy + Maggie