Wednesday, January 30, 2013

best friend is not a title, danny. its a tier.

In last night’s episode, we saw Mindy realize that the creepy midwife she was sleeping with is an asshole. He refuses to commit to any formal type of relationship and is apparently choosing to date a tiny Asian refugee who doesn’t speak English yet enjoys 3D children’s movies over her. Like, the guy is a midwife. If only she’d run the non-delusional potential murderer test on him sooner, she would have figured he was a no-go like three episodes ago. (Sidenote: I actually go to a midwife instead of a gynecologist, but she’s a really nice lesbian who talks to me about things like “respecting my cervix.” Brandon is a creepy Voldemort-y guy with feathered hair and hot stone treatments and a bathtub in his office.) But anyway, we discussed him and decided that he is an amalgamation of everything we hate about the guys we’ve hooked up with but not actually dated. Like, there’s something wrong with him and you know you don’t want him around permanently, but for right now he’s okay. The problem with guys like this is that they’re easy to get attached to because they’re convenient. Butch friend Maggie (holla atcha name, but do you have to be a gym teacher?) said it best in her response to Mindy’s clingy bitching. “Why? Because he worked upstairs from you? Because he had a bad personality?” That’s the thing about this kind of guy. You start to want him around because you like the attention and you’re bored and you want to prove he can’t do better than you, but when it boils down to it, there’s nothing you can pinpoint actively liking about him. Mindy knows this, too, it just takes a little help to realize at times. If you recall, this was her natural reaction last week when she realized Brandon didn't like snacks. You don't make this face if the guy is a keeper.

I was hanging out with a guy right before I went to college, we’ll call him Ted, and he was fine. That’s how I’d describe him. Fine. Not particularly boring or awful, but not great either.  I didn’t actually realize that he was one of these disposable types of guys until one night when I asked him to come with me to a party at my friend’s house and he was disgustingly non-committal.

Me: Why?
Ted: Because I hate sleeping on floors.
Me: What? Ok, we’ll claim a couch.
Ted: Eh.
Me: Ted, do you just not want to go to this party?
Ted: I just don’t want to spend the night with a bunch of people I don’t know.

That was, TSwift style, The Moment I Knew. A guy who is worth more time than a haircut will want to meet your friends. Even if your friends are literally a bunch of banshees and she-goyles, he will willingly spend time with them and probably will even pretend to like them if he likes you. Ted did not fall into this part of the romantic ven diagram and, sorry Minds, neither does Brandon.

Anyway, back to the show. We also saw her start to date BJ Novak and his girlfriend, I mean best friend, I mean stalker. How did Lucy know what restaurant they were going to? I think that is significantly more Swimfan than When Harry Met Sally, but I digress. A guy with a girl-best-friend is not necessarily a bad thing, and actually is sometimes a good thing because that means other females are willing to tolerate his presence. But if the friend is significantly hotter than you and sitting on his lap, that bitch is gonna win.

And even though (as previously stated like a hundred times) we love Mindy, she did get a few things wrong in this episode.
(1) Yes, girls do care about abs.
(2) A houndstooth dress with a white button-up? You looked like a semi-stylish Indian puritan.
(3) You should have ignored your friend and thrown the nachos.
(4) This was actually Butch Maggie who said this, but men should not be the reason you get out of bed in the morning. You know why I get out of bed in the morning? Bitterness and toaster strudels.


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